It’s Okay To Have Problems

I’ve been writing a lot, but I’m still getting used to the idea of publishing my thoughts where people can read them. Something about being so exposed is a vulnerability with which I continue to grapple.

The writing part comes easy. I’ve been journaling since my early teens and have a shelf-full of moleskins to prove it. For the past few years I’ve been keeping a digital-private journal with layers of security unnecessary for a personal computer. . Folders are locked; files are locked. Thoughts are filed away for archival purpose, never to be used against me at a later date. Feelings go in, but they don’t come back out.

I am a jealous voyeur of those who can open up their emotions and vulnerabilities so eloquently, concisely, and freely to a myriad of strangers and google-searchers who stumble upon their words.

Honestly, I’m inclined to feel sorry for anyone who might happen upon this blog. I can ensure it is poorly written, poorly edited, and the borderline-psychotic ramblings of a 20-something who should (definitely) already have herself together.

These eloquent blogs (I read many) are revealingly beautiful. They’ve taught me it’s okay to admit that I cry, something I’ve always been convinced that should always take place behind closed (locked) doors, with faces and tears smothered in satin pillow-cases.

Vulnerability is beautiful.

Vulnerability is normal.

Vulnerability is essential.

I haven’t posted anything in a month and I haven’t made a public announcement of my blog yet, because I’m still learning to embrace my outward sensitivities. I’m learning to live my life as less of an island and more of as a village.

When discussing these issues with a friend over coffee this week, he looked me in the eye firmly and said, “It’s okay to have problems.”

I’m sorry, what? You’re telling me it’s okay to have problems? No one has ever explicitly told me this before, but it makes sense. It’s simple. Really just 5 words, but to me it was a moment of clarity.

It’s okay to have problems. It’s okay to be difficult. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to be human. It’s okay to be sensitive. It’s okay to want. It’s okay to long. It’s okay to hate yourself (so long as you’re willing to fix it).

Exposing these pieces of myself is essential to staying on track. Being a public failure is worse than being a private trainwreck….so here I am. Hoping to keep all of the cars on track… moving to slimmer waist lines and greater happiness (are these directly correlated? I hope so).

That’s the goal, at least.

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