The Dating Drought

I’d like this to be a celebratory post to tell you I’ve reached my next milestone, but unfortunately it’s not. In fact, I can’t even blog consistently.

I’d like this to be a post to tell you that something spectacular has happened in the past two weeks… that has propelled me closer to my goals, but unfortunately it’s not. In fact, I’m stagnant.

I studied endlessly for a final exam, only to come up short. I passed a class with the worst grade of my college career. Regardless of the circumstances of the course (some fishiness surrounding an incredibly unacceptable failure rate), I take this personal failure to heart.

I’ve been battling migraines for the past two weeks. Until you’ve had a migraine, you can’t understand the debilitating nature of having a ‘headache.’ I’ve wanted to hit the gym every day, but the dizziness, the light sensitivity, and the propensity to projectile vomit at the slightest movement prohibited said workouts.

I can report that my diet has been going well. I had a great grocery-shopping buddy this week and we waxed philosophical on life in the produce aisle. He bought ice cream and I didn’t. Small victories in the frozen foods.

Perhaps the thing most on my mind in the past two weeks has been my dating-drought. This is my longest dating-drought in my adult life. My last date was in March, when the wonderful man from Logan Square I had been dating snuck out in the middle of the night. I like to think he gave me a kiss on the cheek before his exit, but chances are he gathered his coat, his keys, and his glasses (my favorite) and slipped away forever. Coward.

I need to get out of the mindset that having a man care about me equals self-esteem. Having someone to keep me warm at night doesn’t equal mental equilibrium. Men are the icing on the cake; not the substance that complete my being.

I’d like a man as an accessory to enhance my life, but not until I can learn to not let them define me as a person. I’ve made the mistake too often of seeking validation and acceptance through my relationships with others.

It’s a mistake. Lasting happiness must come from within… and for me has come after months of beating myself up. It’s been months of introspection, analyzing my quirks and idiosyncratic behaviors that I can’t stand. Months of breaking down my feelings and really thinking about them, instead of reacting to them. Learning that there are better ways to live my life, better ways to see myself, than I’d considered before.

A way to live life that focuses on me as an individual, not me as someone’s girlfriend.

The dating drought continues, and I am fine. Of course there are pieces of me that hate sleeping alone at night. There are pieces of me that hate happy couples walking along the city streets with love in their eyes. There will always be a piece of me that will wait for Mr. right to show up at my door in the rain with flowers just to say he misses me.

The pragmatic me reminding myself to focus on changing myself… and that’s what I will do.

“The Summer of Cee,” has been a success. I have lost weight. I have worked out regularly. I have laughed more in the past few months than I have in my life. I have met new people. I have tried new things. I have read about Tao. I have learned to trust.

Most importantly, I’ve learned it’s okay to be home on a Friday night watching shoot ‘em up movies and talking about baseball on Twitter. It’s okay to order sushi because I’ve earned it.

It’s liberating to be awake at midnight with the lights on, the music loud, and typing on my keyboard violently (something my ex always hated) …without disturbing anyone.

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